This is an example of
a satirical astrological report and no disrespect to the subject is
intended.
The Naughty
Natal Report
Interpretations
of the humorous kind for:
Bill Clinton
August 19, 1946
8:51 AM
Hope,
Arkansas
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This astrological analysis is based
on the following astrological data:
Sun 26 Leo 00
Moon 20 Tau 18
Mercury 7 Leo 36
Venus 11 Lib 07
Mars 6 Lib 21
Standard time observed
GMT: 14:51:00 Time Zone: 6 hours West
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Sun
in Leo:
Leo: Key Words: How great thou Art! What more needs to be said?
"I did it for you, what do you mean you won't do it for
me?", says the unappreciated Leo. That sums up the main characteristics
of the Leo native, except they need to communicate without the use
of a sledge hammer to bring their point across.
Positive attributes for Leo natives is that they don't carry
grudges in any situation, it is too much of an effort, instead Leo's
carry coolers full of party favors around with them at all times,
just in case an opportunity for fun and amusement comes up, and oh
yes, Leo's talk very loud. Leos hate to compete, mainly because they
are having too good a time and prefer doing nothing. It's an automatic
"You win, let's party" situation.
Leo's will spend every dime they have and some they don't have
(on the old credit cards) to make an impression on this weeks love
God or Goddess. In some instances (more than not) the Leo's search
for romance and conquering proves very expensive, and very unsatisfying,
if at takes place at all! The Leo male will find it amazing that they
bring candy, flowers and all the niceties on a date or other informal
setting and don't score, or their expectations are shot down, and
then the same object of this Leo's affections will go out with the
first person who mistreats them (figuratively) and maul them like
a tigress making love for the very first time. It just baffles the
Leo mind, but still he/she never gives up the pursuit of whatever
they are pursuing?
Typical male or female Leo careers can be found in Publishing
or TV productions (you know the one, come on up to my office and read
a script for me) and writing plays or movies.
Marriage for the Leo male or female is like playing Russian
Roulette with a slight twist. In this case, all the chambers
have a bullet.
Moon in Taurus:
The Emotions - This is what I really need to be complete.
The almighty dollar is their weakness,
it makes them strong, needed, and gives them a strong sense of power
over others. A real stubbornness exists with people with Moon in Taurus
that simply must have the last word in any conversation and, cannot
stop or give in to any situation even though they know they are dead
wrong . . . . "I know money is what I need, I'm insecure!"
says the typical Taurean, "and I hate
to charge you anything at all for my services", "But that
will be $35. just the same."
If you want to see a Moon in Taurus native blow a fuse and have
an emotional breakdown (which isn't probable under normal circumstances),
give them two things to do at the same time and tell them you need
them both, yesterday, or see if they can juggle and chew gum at the
same time. You'll probably get the reply "Do you want me to chew
gum, or juggle, now make up your mind!" Just for a laugh, tell
this Moon in Taurus native you are going to make a change in their
job description. Lead it off with "To Include: In addition to
your present job, the list that follows:" Ah, the panic in their
minds as gears change, brain cells snap, the eyes go buggy and around
in circles, and "terror" rattles the nervous system, then,
the inevitable cigarette goes into the mouth, like a pacifier.
The Moon in Taurus's emotions tend to be steady, just like making
bank deposits week after week, after week, easy does it! Yes, we are
secure now, and we're feeling much better, thank you! You can always
tell an emotionally unhappy Moon in Taurus person because they always
wind up with sore throats or problems with the throat, or have their
heads buried in the cookie jar and any form of sweets.
The typical Moon in Taurus native is very practical, and uses
instinct in emotional situations. This means, that if it feels good,
and they can profit by it, they'll do it, no matter what the task!
Moon in Taurus natives never rush into love, for love to them
is like moldy cheese in the refrigerator, just waiting to be thrown
out because they just never got around to it. At that very moment,
they take notice of it. Courtships are not the Moon in Taurus's style,
because to them, it is just a bunch of Indians running around in circles.
After awhile, they forget who is who and why. Moon in Taurus natives
don't commit easily, and when they do, they should be committed, literally.
In other words, some people find commitments give strength to relationships,
but Moon in Taurus people see it as a sign
of ownership.
Mercury in Leo:
Mercury represents the thought process
and what the mind sends to the body. Mercury rules how we communicate,
what we talk about, and what we think about. Bearing that in mind,
here is what they are apt to think and talk about.
These people have the ability to write and talk to other people who
aren't there, and this is the person who can play act a part with
or without a partner. "Oh to be me, for all
the world to see!"
Remember
in the Wizard of Oz and the Tin Man who wanted a brain? Enough said!
They must learn to exercise their mind some, in other words start
using it.
These natives are the authors of the unabridged version of:"
My mouth is open. I will utter something, and you will admire and
adore me". Mercury in Leo people can be best described as "The
Phony, trying to push Bologna!"
For
Mercury in Leo people, love takes place in the mind, but falls short
in the physical, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. In their mind
however, they had a great time and
feel that their partner should say it was great as well. After all,
she/he was there too! Or were they?
A story is just a story, but with a little exaggeration mixed with
a little accentuation and a whole lot of imagination, and it is not
a story anymore. It becomes an event, an adventure, a metaphor of
meadow muffins, and a downright hilarious one at that! I should
know for it is I, the author of this satirical interpretation who
has spent long hours putting together this mindless piece of artwork.
I am a gosh darned one man show, with the
applauds, the thank you's, and the endless
speeches with no one else around. I think it makes for fun reading
though, don't you? Well, what do you know anyway? On with the show!
Venus in Libra:
Venus defined is: Romance, the action that brings satisfaction. Food,
flowers, little chubby people shooting arrows, fertility, and lots
of groveling. Here is how the art of love is interpreted by this placement
of Venus:
Never come home and say to this person, "Gee, the house looks
great!, but you look a bit frumpy!". This will start Niagara
Falls flowing.
Expect to find the Venus in Libra home rearranged. . . . often!
They have a talent for nastiness, and can swear so fluently that it
frightens everyone. To be fair, there are those who hate coarse behavior.
In this instance, body slamming isn't a turn on, and a gentler approach
should be sought. Try dipping them in chocolate and let nature take
its course. This sign must be careful with chocolates, sweets and
excessive sex, as it weakens the kidneys. More water must be ingested
to keep them in tip top shape.
Harmony in courtship and marriage is extremely important to the Venus
in Libra. Remember you can't seduce them with heavy rock music playing
in the background because you may wind up with a very nervous lover.
These people look for relationships that are bonded, like cement,
and impossible to get out of unless you disrupt the aura around them
(sorry, didn't mean to get esoteric).
Venus in Libra is another air sign which means that you have to go
to the cloud they live on to communicate. Just be careful where you
step though, it is a long way down. They need mental stimulation so
try saying "I love you" in many different voices until you
find one that strikes their fancy. Dirty movies live in the realm
of mental stimulation, so try a Dirty Harry movie or some pornographic
facsimile.
Venus in Libra people may be attracted to older lovers at some point,
especially if they have money. They love money as it represents security,
and if your intended is much older, then they won't have to wait long
to inherit. It's boorish, cruel and the truth. On the other hand,
you can be attracted to VERY young ones as well. Here is where the
phrase "robbing" the baby carriage came from.
These people have a great sense of hearing. You must be careful when
you talk about them because they invented the saying "The Walls
Have Ears".
Mars in Libra:
Mars defined: "Its get down
and dirty time". Raw passions unleashed upon suspecting and non
suspecting persons. Actions desiring prompt and equal reactions of any kind. To
get very specific, this is how this great bundle of energy is used
in the personal natal chart. This is how that energy interacts with
their surroundings.
At other times they are so considerate of their romantic partner,
that they will sit down with them and fill out a questionnaire
of likes and dislikes, turn ons and turnoffs,
times, dates and places. How sweet and considerate, and a true description
of Mars in Libra.
These people must have their own way with this position of Libra.
They swing like the scales, an easy going pain in the neck. They can
be kind and gentile, or drive you off the road in their car. If this
person would ever learn that anger isn't the answer and adopt an attitude
of waiting, the desired outcome will come to pass, but no, they've
got to take matters into their own hands screwing up the works. Well,
see if I care then!
Oddly enough, a lousy marriage is like spiritual awareness in the
final examination of things for these natives. They are very intuitive
people and must learn to be aggressive and humble equally. In other
words learn when to act and when to shut up!
This placement
has all the intimacy of two people running towards each other without
their feet ever touching the ground. Think about it, it will come
to you. Here is the person who is able to make love to an illusion,
or some reasonable facsimile.
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